the room
05/23/2020
Lyla felt as though she had garnered resentment in her lungs since birth. It was only when she met the Doctor that she was able to enter recovery. Her suffering was not unique he told her. He knew her disease well. He'd spent years trying to help people just like her. Many successes and few failures. He'd try to lead her to a permanent relief with his theory.
Doctor: What is it?
My heart feels black like it could never turn to color.
My skin crawls when there's no response.
I lose my breath if 24 hours come full circle.
I wait in the dark and perpetuate this fate.
"A back walking away" is the running symbol in my life it's all I know and all I expect.
It grows and grows and worsens and worsens.
My relationships are suffocated, snuffed out.
It feels like I can't help what is happening to me no matter how hard I try to stop it.
The anxiousness and panic and manic and delirium, I best sum it up this way:
Everything hurts.
Doctor: What would relieve it?
Emotional sobriety doctor.
Doctor: For 90 days you'll sit in this room. You will sleep just behind that wall. You'll come out only to interact with the 10. From the paperwork you've completed, I've gathered 10 others with whom you'll be interacting over the three month period. You'll spend 7 days each with them, no more no less. You'll sit behind glass, like in prison. In a way, Lyla, you keep yourself imprisoned, this is why we do it this way, do you understand? The idea is to get you to break the glass on your own, give yourself the permission to become free. Every day, the person will come to visit you. Seven days will allow for an emotional connection. This process will lead you to the root of your cycle, what it takes to trigger your disease. It does not take much and you will see in time. At the end of the 7 days you'll experience withdrawal, it is then that you are most likely to see her, the child version of yourself. When she shows up do not be alarmed. Let her sit next to you, for two days. Can you make her feel safe?