Haute Harlot

all seeing eye

and girls will be boys

One of my favorite pics of me being me.

black line

always with me

cut

The last time I cut my hair so drastically was in 2014.

black wedding

strings

nobody's property

much to do

working with hecate

Because I can’t remember what on the internet led me to her, I don’t think it’s that important to mention. I do know that at that time (late 2019) I had been so fed up with my abandonment wounds that I sought specific spiritual intervention to help me better understand them, but also to help me heal them if I could. Up until then I had done some work on myself after a short-lived fling led me to the doors of both Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) and Codependents Anonymous (CODA). I even had successfully let go of another brief relationship while in those groups - without persisting, begging, struggling, forcing, etc. If you struggle with abandonment in any form and anxiety around it, you know that that feels near impossible to do. It gave me hope I could do more work which would loosen the grip my dark side had over me. When I found Hecate, Keeping Her Keys (KHK) by Cyndi Brannen was the perfect companion to the deep work I would begin with her. I needed a notebook to keep track of all I was doing and I didn’t want it to be big and bulky. I love Red Bubble because it offers endless designs to put on the cover and the standard notebook is slim (with a folder in the back!) and I just happened to find an abstract drawing of Hecate so it was perfect.

I eased into KHK slowly. I was a little afraid to work with the goddess because I didn’t know much about her. I just know I was led to this point so it must have been meaningful. When I started researching I realized she is a goddess from ancient Greek religion. I don’t place much emphasis on my background anymore but my Greek origin was such a strong presence in my life during my younger years. I knew the traditions, how to speak the language and write it, so pronouncing Hecate’s name and reading/speaking her epithets (which are in Greek) came naturally. I won’t detail every lesson in Brannen’s book but I will give you the highlights of how I worked through my intention and tell you tales that I don’t believe would have unfolded unless I were working directly with her at that time.

{ image credit: cyndi brannen's facebook page }

KHK has you do the course over several lunar cycles so that it lasts a year. For someone like me who can be all over the place creatively this set up offers structure. You know what you will do ahead of time lesson by lesson and you can plan ahead to keep yourself organized. The best part is Brannen is your guide as someone who is deeply connected to Hecate. When you start you will experience confirmation that the goddess wants you to be working with her. For example I remember buying the planner I always buy for the 2020 year and at the very beginning there was an article about working with Hecate which I had never seen in other planners from years before. So essentially on a physical level you should expect lots of signs, the constant sighting of 3s and on a spiritual level you will get to speak with her, get messages from her, get to know her, and she will get to know you and your soul. Keep in mind that a relationship formed with the Dark Mother as they call her is life-long-lasting. I learned this at the end of that year.

By no coincidence around the time I started the book I got the courage to begin consistently dating again after being on a break for years. I would encounter many people and through them learn really important facts - not only did I have issues with abandonment but also with abandon“ing,” how and why my anxiety paralyzed me when others walked away, and in a particular lesson Hecate’s epithets revealed the exact same pattern I experienced every time someone left (Phoberos, Polyonumos, Skotia). When everything shut down in March I learned about housekeeping concerning Hecate: how to summon her with an evocation, of which there are 6 parts (so powerful), and the Dark Moon gratitude ritual followed by the Noumenia prayer to her (both occurring each lunar cycle) where you set intentions under the goddess so that she may intervene and help you each month.

                                                             
What I also love about the book is that while you are going through the lessons you will find yourself needing to research a bit and reference Brannen’s website (a very deep source of knowledge on all things Hecate) which is helpful if you need clarity on something. In doing so you will discover even more magic around Hecate and other workings you may want to do on the side. For me such was The Rite of Her Sacred Fires, which remains the most potent, life-changing ritual I have come across to date. Of the 78 cards in the tarot I directly identify with the Queen of Wands as my true self, so any working that has a heavy focus on fire symbolically or tangibly will have an intense effect on me. I recap my experience with the Sacred Fires Ritual here, but I will just say for three weeks straight after I myself felt like I was on fire with my creativity shooting through the roof.

During the summer I also met a person who would give me a glimpse into what a healthy relationship looked and felt like. Somehow all the negativity of the past fell away during this beautiful experience and while with him I was led to a book on attachment styles which I read in like a day because it described me so vividly, and it helped me accept the darker side of myself more readily, criticize it less, and understand it on a deeper level more than ever before. To me this was just another divine part of getting closer to the intention I had set for this entire year.

In processing the end of that three month relationship my creativity was lit up yet again in August carrying me all the way through October when I would create and release several works of poetry about my past that just seemed to pour out all at once. You can read all about that here. In doing so I faced a big fear of being vulnerable with my past and the relationships I have been in and also reframing them. I have never released any of my work publicly - it’s personal, weird, and can get very deep and dark. It was also my first collaboration with another artist. I trace every last part of all of these events to working with Hecate’s sacred fires.

{ part of my dark mother tarot spread }

Another side working I discovered on Brannen’s website was the Dark Mother Tarot Ritual, which is a detailed 18-card layout. From the author: “Our shadow selves are of great interest to Hecate, who will willingly help us tame them by taking their fear based energy back into the underworld from whence it came. She is the psychopomp, shining a light as we seek spiritual death and rebirth. This process is only achieved through embracing our shadow. There is no wholeness without shadow. Light cannot exist without dark.” This ritual would be very powerful because in doing so I would reveal my true self, my shadow self, and I would be shown how to integrate the two by Hecate through the interpretation of all the cards. My abandonment wounds always felt bigger than life to me, especially as a young girl, I was afraid to like others for fear of feeling trapped and lovesick/addicted. All I wanted was to learn how to control my attachment to other people and to understand myself better. I can’t tell you how spot on the layout from the ritual was. Again I knew it was another step in the direction of healing for me, and seeking to fulfill the intention I set at the beginning.

The last two months working with the goddess consisted of a sacred initiation which I won’t go into. What I will say is you are crowned, and Hecate will always be in your life when you need her from then on. I wanted to purchase a statute for my altar at the end of the year but it wasn’t ready for me. Later, it would be made and released and I would purchase it a few weeks before I wrote this. Adding something to your altar after working with her sort of weaves her into your fabric and also makes a space for you to remember what you learned every time you look at it and know she is there at all times if you need her. Aside from that, had I accomplished my intention? I would definitely say so. After recapping everything above that I learned, my outlook toward that part of me has changed and I’ve learned a great deal about myself to carry me forward in dating and eventually a relationship I can build on with a partner.