Haute Harlot

rural horror project

This all started with a deep separation occurring in the summer of this year. At that time I had some visions come to me about my family. The division I mentioned sort of set everything in motion and suddenly I was dreaming about a thigh tattoo (one I knew I would get eventually but never had the idea down pat). I know this sounds all over the place so bear with me. My tattoos so far are very thematic, with the top half of my arm symbolizing the universe, the bottom half the physical realm, and what came to me this summer was when I put my arm down at my side, my leg would be the underworld. So this thigh tattoo would be darker than the rest because that space symbolized something very deep for me. It went deep down the rabbit hole into the blackest part of me - my shadow side, which began to emerge during my adolescence through to my 20s. My brain then went back to lock down 2020 when I discovered the art of Karyn Ironsides. I ran through her entire Tumblr blog back then because her work is just so incredible. One in particular stuck out, shocking me, and it was like a light bulb went off, this would be my first thigh tattoo.

The pins reminded me of everything I went through back when I was a young girl, how painful it was for me, and the way my mind wrapped around it and interpreted what I experienced. Looking at the pins was looking at what had become of it all. It was all captured in this one drawing and not only would I get it tattooed when I was done with the project but it would be the working centerpiece of the project as well. Because my shadow at its worst was so focused on suicide back then, I longed to convey this through photography. I had some old photos of Lana Del Rey that I wanted to copy so that was the plan. A lot of writing was also coming out of me, so I naturally decided both would be shared together when I posted everything on Instagram come October, like I did last year, folk horror series style. But I didn't want this to be a series, and I didn't want it to be exactly like last year. I just wanted it to stand on its own as a project and be what it was because it was its own monster. One that I had to face and deal with at that present time. [This also led to me developing themes I will use later for books consisting of my poetry and anything else I create that merges self-help with horror. Some of these themes include: horror endeavors-we take on and work through these endeavors of horror in order to survive and thrive. We face ourselves and our traumas to become better, to grow into who we truly are, and came here to be.]

Like I said I didn't want this to be a series, more like 4 powerful photos to go with 4 powerful pieces of writing, so just like last year some mild research on horror subgenres was in order to assist me in expressing myself. I also needed to enlist a friend's help - coincidentally I knew one who just happened to be foraying into photography as a passion at the same time. I explained all of my ideas to him and he was thrilled. The project then was officially born. In my research I discovered rural horror, a concept that has to do with horror that comes not from an intrusive outsider, but a location itself (a home for example). A home is no longer a home, when its natural environment transforms into a site for anxiety, uncertainty, and alienation. In this form it haunts us, undermines us, and diminishes us entirely. The horrors it holds are tied to ancient religion, generational curses, and ancestral scarring. This made me think so much about my roots and where I come from and how much it has taken for me to undo/unravel my own obstacles that stem from my family legacy. I knew part of this project would be about breaking generational patterns and spells. To do that one must first uncover them, they must be seen and exposed for what they really are, only then can they be alchemized. Back to Karyn's work above and how it all comes together - when I looked at this piece, I saw her looking at the pins saying, "look at what all of you have done, and now it is on/in me, now I am bad too, and how do I make it right." This was my interpretation of the artwork, and it would work in tandem - seamlessly - for this project.

{me age 20-28}

Firstly I knew I was going to use my hair extensions since all of the writing and photos would reflect my younger years for the most part. Like I was saying I had old Lana photos that I wanted to copy, and my photographer friend was very on board with this. I also really appreciated that he basically was willing to travel anywhere and do anything to help make my visions come to life. These are some of the photos that inspired the shoot:

Jumping off a cliff, drowning, being dead already, and then observing all the chaos of the past in an evolved way was the sequence that I wanted to use. Each scenario built into the next, and the order was similar to my timeline of evolution. Please don't think any of this was apparent at first conversation with my photographer, it definitely took me time to parse out this idea and all parts of it. But at the end it came together very beautifully in the synchronized way I just explained. I also noticed later as I was writing that I was incorporating all 4 parts of me that work in tandem to manifest my desires - air, water, earth, and fire. I thought this was amazing and it was completely unplanned/unintentional. I do believe this helped me bring everything in my head to fruition.

I picked a day to scout locations and found all of them would work. The cliff was at the Delaware Water Gap in PA, the beach was near my house vast and unending (never thought I would find it), and the cemetery was in my neighborhood, perfectly abandoned with even the names of the dead weathered off of the gravestones. It was very important to me to keep the shoot as authentic as possible --- we would go to the cliff itself and find an insanely high edge --- he would record me walking straight into the ocean --- we would go to the cemetery and shoot there at night. The other thing I knew was that I wanted to release this during the full blood moon. It is when we see her entire illuminated face and I thought it was fitting to take a closer look at the horrors that lie in plain sight, again to go with the rural horror concept. Last year I chose to spread my work out across the month of October because I wrote so much, but this year I could keep it within a week.

Cliff | Here are some photos from the shoot that we did at the Delaware Water Gap. The hike up was so intense, extremely rocky and steep at different times but I went with my photographer and his girlfriend so having two other people with me made me feel like I could go on and complete it. I brought my clothes with me to change and we climbed to the very top of Mt. Tammany, that's where we were able to get the shot that matched almost identically to Lana Del Rey's. The views were breathtaking, but it was really scary standing at different edges of the mountain, I had to breathe it out, but for art I'll do almost anything. You can see the final photo I used + the writing here.

The Sea | Here is some footage of me when I first found the location, along with other important moments. I had someone tanning nearby take a video of me so I could test what it would look like walking away from the camera. This was one of the hardest of all the shoots because I couldn't get clear on the idea. In the end the simple walking into the ocean worked, and the day I thought to do it was very spontaneous and last minute. I woke up in the morning thinking how vulnerable I feel at that hour. Didn't do my makeup. Just put on a big tee and felt a pull to go do the shoot. It was windy and raining which I thought was absolutely perfect, so I called my guy and he said he would be there. After I hung up I realized I called him at 11:11 and I just kept telling them thank you. The rainy shot is me waiting for my friend at the location. I was sitting in my car crying uncontrollably in order to get myself into the right mindset. The weather was absolutely insane, but the universe totally protected me when I went into the water. You can see the final video I used + the writing here.

Graveyard | Here are some photos from our time spent at the cemetery - the last one is the herbs that turned black from how high the flame was on the candle I used to burn them the night I finished writing this piece. The flame was so strong and large, that never happens, I thought it was symbolic of how strongly I felt the words I was writing. I bought a bag of garden soil from Home Depot and poured it all over myself. I wore a trapeze style dress to feel younger. The entire premise behind this was me watching the masculine part of me carry myself out of this grave that had been dug for me, but it was genuinely just a dream. I couldn't leave the grave at the time, when I was younger. It felt impossible. I knew exactly who I wanted to do this with, and coincidentally the photographer was friends with him. I recalled seeing him at the gym, pale skin and very dark features like mine. I liked that he looked dead half the time, I needed someone who looked somewhat like me due to the concept. I always admired what he looked like so we reached out and he agreed to participate. You can see the final photo I used + the writing here.

Fire | Here are some ideas we tried before settling on the final. For myself personally I had to keep in mind that this was the first get together that my photographer and I had, so it's almost like we were feeling each other out, figuring out how we would end up working together. I would later regret not making this one more authentic in that we should have been in front of a blazing fire. It ultimately conveyed exactly what I intended (just would have rather made it more realistic if we had more time) which was that there is a fire that I am witnessing, and I'm so close to it, but it's not burning me, not anymore. The fire symbolized all of my own family trauma and how that has affected me over the course of my life, from each individual that played a part in the way I grew up, down to myself and the way I chose to hurt myself as a reaction to everything going on around me. You can see the final photo I used + the writing here.

Overall this was probably the most I went all out for my art. I had an amazing experience and I'll never forget it. Not to mention it just meant to so much to me that the universe kept speaking to me through my tarot cards telling me to have patience and to know they are working hard to help me (kept pulling the Temperance card throughout the weeks of the project). Ultimately releasing felt like such a relief, but I needed a good week off after of doing absolutely nothing. Every day after work or on the weekend I was working on this. It took so much out of me emotionally and physically but it was totally and completely worth it.

working with hecate

Because I can’t remember what on the internet led me to her, I don’t think it’s that important to mention. I do know that at that time (late 2019) I had been so fed up with my abandonment wounds that I sought specific spiritual intervention to help me better understand them, but also to help me heal them if I could. Up until then I had done some work on myself after a short-lived fling led me to the doors of both Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) and Codependents Anonymous (CODA). I even had successfully let go of another brief relationship while in those groups - without persisting, begging, struggling, forcing, etc. If you struggle with abandonment in any form and anxiety around it, you know that that feels near impossible to do. It gave me hope I could do more work which would loosen the grip my dark side had over me. When I found Hecate, Keeping Her Keys (KHK) by Cyndi Brannen was the perfect companion to the deep work I would begin with her. I needed a notebook to keep track of all I was doing and I didn’t want it to be big and bulky. I love Red Bubble because it offers endless designs to put on the cover and the standard notebook is slim (with a folder in the back!) and I just happened to find an abstract drawing of Hecate so it was perfect.

I eased into KHK slowly. I was a little afraid to work with the goddess because I didn’t know much about her. I just know I was led to this point so it must have been meaningful. When I started researching I realized she is a goddess from ancient Greek religion. I don’t place much emphasis on my background anymore but my Greek origin was such a strong presence in my life during my younger years. I knew the traditions, how to speak the language and write it, so pronouncing Hecate’s name and reading/speaking her epithets (which are in Greek) came naturally. I won’t detail every lesson in Brannen’s book but I will give you the highlights of how I worked through my intention and tell you tales that I don’t believe would have unfolded unless I were working directly with her at that time.

{ image credit: cyndi brannen's facebook page }

KHK has you do the course over several lunar cycles so that it lasts a year. For someone like me who can be all over the place creatively this set up offers structure. You know what you will do ahead of time lesson by lesson and you can plan ahead to keep yourself organized. The best part is Brannen is your guide as someone who is deeply connected to Hecate. When you start you will experience confirmation that the goddess wants you to be working with her. For example I remember buying the planner I always buy for the 2020 year and at the very beginning there was an article about working with Hecate which I had never seen in other planners from years before. So essentially on a physical level you should expect lots of signs, the constant sighting of 3s and on a spiritual level you will get to speak with her, get messages from her, get to know her, and she will get to know you and your soul. Keep in mind that a relationship formed with the Dark Mother as they call her is life-long-lasting. I learned this at the end of that year.

By no coincidence around the time I started the book I got the courage to begin consistently dating again after being on a break for years. I would encounter many people and through them learn really important facts - not only did I have issues with abandonment but also with abandon“ing,” how and why my anxiety paralyzed me when others walked away, and in a particular lesson Hecate’s epithets revealed the exact same pattern I experienced every time someone left (Phoberos, Polyonumos, Skotia). When everything shut down in March I learned about housekeeping concerning Hecate: how to summon her with an evocation, of which there are 6 parts (so powerful), and the Dark Moon gratitude ritual followed by the Noumenia prayer to her (both occurring each lunar cycle) where you set intentions under the goddess so that she may intervene and help you each month.

                                                             
What I also love about the book is that while you are going through the lessons you will find yourself needing to research a bit and reference Brannen’s website (a very deep source of knowledge on all things Hecate) which is helpful if you need clarity on something. In doing so you will discover even more magic around Hecate and other workings you may want to do on the side. For me such was The Rite of Her Sacred Fires, which remains the most potent, life-changing ritual I have come across to date. Of the 78 cards in the tarot I directly identify with the Queen of Wands as my true self, so any working that has a heavy focus on fire symbolically or tangibly will have an intense effect on me. I recap my experience with the Sacred Fires Ritual here, but I will just say for three weeks straight after I myself felt like I was on fire with my creativity shooting through the roof.

During the summer I also met a person who would give me a glimpse into what a healthy relationship looked and felt like. Somehow all the negativity of the past fell away during this beautiful experience and while with him I was led to a book on attachment styles which I read in like a day because it described me so vividly, and it helped me accept the darker side of myself more readily, criticize it less, and understand it on a deeper level more than ever before. To me this was just another divine part of getting closer to the intention I had set for this entire year.

In processing the end of that three month relationship my creativity was lit up yet again in August carrying me all the way through October when I would create and release several works of poetry about my past that just seemed to pour out all at once. You can read all about that here. In doing so I faced a big fear of being vulnerable with my past and the relationships I have been in and also reframing them. I have never released any of my work publicly - it’s personal, weird, and can get very deep and dark. It was also my first collaboration with another artist. I trace every last part of all of these events to working with Hecate’s sacred fires.

{ part of my dark mother tarot spread }

Another side working I discovered on Brannen’s website was the Dark Mother Tarot Ritual, which is a detailed 18-card layout. From the author: “Our shadow selves are of great interest to Hecate, who will willingly help us tame them by taking their fear based energy back into the underworld from whence it came. She is the psychopomp, shining a light as we seek spiritual death and rebirth. This process is only achieved through embracing our shadow. There is no wholeness without shadow. Light cannot exist without dark.” This ritual would be very powerful because in doing so I would reveal my true self, my shadow self, and I would be shown how to integrate the two by Hecate through the interpretation of all the cards. My abandonment wounds always felt bigger than life to me, especially as a young girl, I was afraid to like others for fear of feeling trapped and lovesick/addicted. All I wanted was to learn how to control my attachment to other people and to understand myself better. I can’t tell you how spot on the layout from the ritual was. Again I knew it was another step in the direction of healing for me, and seeking to fulfill the intention I set at the beginning.

The last two months working with the goddess consisted of a sacred initiation which I won’t go into. What I will say is you are crowned, and Hecate will always be in your life when you need her from then on. I wanted to purchase a statute for my altar at the end of the year but it wasn’t ready for me. Later, it would be made and released and I would purchase it a few weeks before I wrote this. Adding something to your altar after working with her sort of weaves her into your fabric and also makes a space for you to remember what you learned every time you look at it and know she is there at all times if you need her. Aside from that, had I accomplished my intention? I would definitely say so. After recapping everything above that I learned, my outlook toward that part of me has changed and I’ve learned a great deal about myself to carry me forward in dating and eventually a relationship I can build on with a partner.

imbolc 2021

on my tattoo road trip

My tattoo road trip to PAOH (Pennsylvania and Ohio) all started with the above image created by artist Kitty Meltvedt.

Last year while I was studying for the bar exam I needed some creativity time, so I started thinking very seriously about my sleeve. I had a few tattoos on my arm already but I knew I wanted to build a full sleeve although I hadn't decided on a theme just yet. As I was researching random things I knew I wanted, it came to me -- this major vision for my entire arm. The top half would have to do with the universe only, and things I'd experienced in this lifetime that came directly from the universe such as with very special individuals and other things that touched me very deeply. The bottom half would consist of everything I had experienced in the physical realm, down here, such as love/loss, pain, childhood trauma, and things I am very attracted to such as a gothic aesthetic, the theory of the devil etc. I didn't realize it but only one tattoo didn't make sense as it was placed where I would theoretically keep the universe theme (top half of arm) but really that was it, so this idea would work because my other tattoos happened to be in corresponding places.

The most important part of this theme would be the centerpiece, the core, the crux of the entire thing -- what came to me was a planchette which would bring the whole vision together. Inside it would contain my futhark runes (which were already near the crease in my elbow) and that made perfect sense because the planchette would symbolize my spiritual awakening, which triggered every single belief I now hold about the universe and the physical realm, and basically changed the trajectory of my entire life. So if the planchette held the runes (which on their own each meaning was placed according to the order in which I was awakened) it just would be so perfect.

So I started looking up hashtags on Instagram for planchette ideas, and that's when I came across two artists. One was Kitty Meltvedt of Black Dahlia Tattoo Studio in Willoughby, Ohio (and her eye photo up above) and the other was Jessica Czernics of Alter Ego Body Art Studio in Castle Shannon, PA. I loved their styles and how dark they were and at the time although I thought it would be cool to visit them (the shops were about 4 hours apart) it wasn't possible or at least I didn't think it was due to money, time, etc. at the time. I followed them both on Instagram and admired from afar until this whole earth shift occurred in March 2020 and I started doing a lot of new things.

After traveling to Salem on my own (first trip I ever took alone) last year, I was totally ready for this second solo trip but most importantly I placed faith in the universe that I could pull it off and I did which was the most amazing feeling - this once again reiterated to me that I am safe and protected and they have my back at all times. So I booked it and here are some highlights!

I decided best thing to do for a trip like this was to rent a car. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone knowing I wasn't from PA during this punishing time by authority figures (esp. in PA) - my license plates said PA and I didn't even notice that until I got home with the car! Once again my spirit guides were totally supporting me on this trip. I planned to get my hotel at the exact center between both shops if I could, and stay for 4 days, the first to hang and relax/second to go to PA/third to go to OH/then I could sleep and last just get up and drive home. All of this worked out very well and seamlessly.

I planned my clothing/accessories just like I did for Salem, I wanted to make it a similar trip, dark and spiritual.

{ first day's outfit }

 

{ second day's outfit }

 

{ cider nails }

First up was Jess over at Alter Ego. She was just like I had imagined when we met and we took these awesome pics. She even offered to go get a drink with me if I was hanging around overnight which was super cool. I chose to get her signature pumpkin spider, a Jess Czernics original which I loved how it came out. I was in and out of the shop. I did visit some spiritual shops throughout PA as well.

{ mystic embers shop }

Next day I went to see Kitty of Black Dahlia. She was equally as lovely and I just couldn't wait to get this centerpiece done with that beautiful eye, an eye that I felt resembled mine because I have extra long lashes, and in a way felt like it would be my third eye wide open, very similar to what the person got written under theirs above ("awake and unafraid"). I was so very inspired by that image. To further my idea as the centerpiece I was going to have it say "as above" on upper part above planchette and "so below" under planchette, but I'm going to add this at a later time because I couldn't decide what font I wanted or the placement exactly.

{ just making myself at home }

To be really honest getting the planchette tattoo was one of the most painful experiences - very fitting because my spiritual awakening was triggered by one of the most painful experiences of my life with a partner. I shouldn't have expected any less, but since all of my tattoos are very petite, I've only ever known going in and out of a tattoo shop very quickly and almost painlessly - and if there was pain it was minor, only lasted about an hour. This was very different, I was at the shop from 12pm-7pm at night. My Sunday was shot, my plan to go to Cleveland and explore was shot, and halfway through I got very worried that I wouldn't make it through to the end. But Kitty was an absolute wonderful coach and she understood me. It's funny she had to get me cookies and she also used this numbing spray, so those two things actually saved me that day. Thinking about it now it's so funny but during that time I was very upset lol. I believe I was going to use Hecate for help but I was so thrown that this is the experience I was to have with this tattoo, that I forgot all about being able to use her to get through a fear-filled time (I had used her in three other instances and she was so helpful).

{ the full moon over Ohio }

Overall I had a very fulfilling trip and I would definitely do this again to go somewhere new to get more tattoos by more talented people. I was very grateful to these women for accommodating my schedule and helping me make this happen.

folk horror series

It is no accident that on July 26 a short but meaningful romance in my life ended - then on July 28 Lana Del Rey's audiobook came out, which I listened to in full the very next day, July 29, on a ride up to see a new spiritual shop that just opened.

I was feeling very down from the ending of the romance and wanted to buy an inspiration-intention candle, which I did that day. I got home, opened the box which stated that the candle on the inside was “inspiration” and discovered the candle had a label which read protection. So the candle was a protection-intention candle. I smelled it, and it smelled like a candle I received in Salem at the end of a very educational tour about witches. You can read my Salem post in full here. I contacted the shop owner and she agreed to exchange it - even though I loved the way it smelled, it’s not what I had intended on getting. After I exchanged it a few days later at the shop, I walked out and smelled it, and the smell made me feel I should re-exchange it for the original, by-no-accident, protection-intention candle I received. So I did.

My thought was that I needed the protection candle for a reason unknown to me or the shop owner. Little did I know a few days later I would start and not stop writing about all the significant romantic relationships of my past. I loved that this was pouring out of me in such a flow kind of way. I also began having dreams about all of these people soon after. I then contacted my friend Stefanie about an idea I had - she could draw the images and I would add the writings, and we would share them on each other’s Instagram accounts in October for Inktober.

All this to say that the story behind this fascinates me, as does magic when you open yourself up to it. The shop owner checked every inspiration candle labeled box to make sure she hadn’t placed more protection candles in them by accident, and she hadn’t. What’s also interesting is that the intention behind this candle was to protect the buyer from someone or something harmful OR to protect from low vibration. It made me think of me and how I felt uninspired and wanted to reconnect with myself in that way (hence going for the inspiration candle). But I also wanted to work through being disappointed that someone I thought would be very special turned out to not be the right fit for me. The idea in itself of creating all of this poetry to eventually release of myself by putting it out there in the public eye for everyone to see, very personal deeply heartbreaking experiences that I went through, to even have the courage to do it made me so happy.

I believe - since I lit the candle almost every day since I began writing and it was very close to the bottom when I finished writing - that the candle came to me to protect me not only from my own doubts about this project, but from also being worried about getting my resources together to make it happen and gathering the courage to push through and release these feelings that have been living inside me for well over a decade. The candle was there to protect me through that whole process.

I am calling the series folk horror because in my research I found the genre has to do with “monsters terrifying and eliciting sympathy in equal measure,” which to me reflects me and who I am, who I thought I was, who I am now, etc. You can find the entire project on my Instagram accounts, here and here to be posted throughout October.

Super special thanks to:

Stefanie Caponi - for creating all of the art to go along with the poetry on @dianeoflight to be posted throughout October

Daysi from Houss Freya - shop owner/for making amazing candles

Karyn Ironsides - for permission to repost her art to go along with the poetry on @endvabuse to be posted throughout October

on hecate's wheel of fire ritual

This is my first post on witchcraft so before I get into my experience with this ritual, I want to say I started everything witchcraft over a year ago. It has helped me manifest: more independence, quit smoking, become grateful for the negative experiences in my life, find my voice/truth, increase my psychic ability, etc. Spiritual shops I go to buy supplies are in Brooklyn, NY and New Hope, PA and for quick small things I go to East Meets West at any mall.

Why did I do this spell? I discovered Hecate last year, I don't remember what led me to her. But I wanted so much to work with her as I became fascinated with who she was in Greek history. I am going to elaborate on this in another post. The queen of Hecate devotees is Cyndi Brannen, owner of keepingherkeys.com, and when seeking to work with Hecate of course I stumbled upon Brannen's book, Keeping Her Keys. I decided last year it would be a project I would take on, as this book is set in lesson form, each lesson to be completed throughout one full moon cycle. My whole point in using the book was to open a connection with Hecate (not necessarily become a strict devotee) and to evolve further. This month I am in cycle 5, on lesson 7. Lesson 7 is about Hecate's Wheel of Fire and creating one for yourself that's personal to you. I wanted to do more research on this so I went to Brannen's website. Clicking here and there I found a post about The Rite of Her Sacred Fires, the annual global celebration hosted by the Covenant of Hecate, which has been observed since May 2010 (occurs every May on the full moon, this year that was on May 7). I had really been feeling drained from not only this major earth shift we are all experiencing but also myself, putting so much pressure on myself in other aspects of my life. I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I didn't want to do anything at all, and I felt called to get out of that mood. Let me say whenever I need to figure out what I need to do, in any part of my life, I turn to witchcraft and tarot combined. This is a medicine I have never known.

According to Brannen, The Rite of Her Sacred Fires is a ritual that activates the kinetic power of fire by connecting us to Hecate's Wheel of Fire, which consists of the five sacred flames:

The Star Fire: the power of inspiration + mysticism
The Fire of Life: the spark of Anima Mundi in all things
The Guiding Fire: Hecate's torch that leads the way for our earthly journey
The Witch Fire: the unique essence of Hecate within her witches
The Fire of Destruction: the power of Hecate to destroy all things

Essentially this ritual grants you access to these fires that Hecate possesses. I followed it word for word off of Brannen's site, so anything I repeat here is from her direction (both in her book and on her website) and slightly modified because it's not like I'm an expert. You'll need:

1 a candle for each fire: I used 5 white tapered candles which I already had, and carved Hecate's name in Greek (ekath) into each one. I set them up in the form of a pentagram on my altar.
2 ash for anointing yourself: I used the remains of sacred herbs I burned beforehand, mugwort and sage
3 the hieros pyr incense to burn during the ritual and holy fire water to consume: the incense is made by burning basil, skullcap, and mugwort altogether -- the holy fire water is made by boiling pomegranate seeds with basil, skullcap, and mugwort, once cooled you can later consume a cup during the ritual (I took a sip each time I mentioned a sacred fire in the ritual).

Like with anything I do at my altar, I grounded myself and casted (closed) a circle first. There's a special way to cast a circle with Hecate and I love it, it's in Brannen's book. Then I summoned Hecate with certain words and added certain epithets (characteristics of her) I specifically wanted to call upon for added presence in the ritual. After that I recited the 5 parts of this evocation from Brannen's book to evoke Hecate. Beyond that (you don't have to but I chose to) I told the story of her Wheel of Fire, and lit each candle as I did so. Then it was time for the actual ritual, in which I called upon her to grant me her power in each fire, using special words from Brannen. I want to note I also honored her throughout, so it never felt selfish or like I was not worthy to ask her for this power (I never worked with a goddess, so I have a tendency to think about this while I am doing this stuff). At the very end I bid her farewell and opened the circle. After that I pulled some tarot cards based on a "blaze" spread from owl and bones tarot which was so fitting. My cards were so enlightening! See below.

Two things: I didn't have time to get skullcap in herb form, so I got a concentrated version from the Vitamin Shoppe as a substitute. I also never drank any herbs before let alone consumed something like skullcap, but it's all consumable it's actually all very natural. Basil was used because it calms the mind while releasing our fire, skullcap because it promotes learning, clarity and success and is a supreme binder (Brannen says a skullcap spell is almost impossible to break), mugwort for protection, psychic awareness, and wisdom, and pomegranate for stability and focus. Mugwort is my all time favorite herb because of the psychic awareness and inducement of dreams, I have experienced this firsthand and it's why I have a bundle of it hanging over my bed. Combine mugwort with Motherwort and it's an even more intense experience.

After May 7 I realized rest and recovery was important at the moment. The full moon fell on a Thursday but it wasn't until Sunday/Monday that I was channeling everything inside of me from here to outer space. When I tell you I had flash after flash after flash of inspiration, creativity every single day and it's still going on! My old blog (endvabuse.com or EVA) that I tried to figure out for so long as to how I wanted to build it out, suddenly my mind was ripe with ideas for that, also for this blog, and how I would go forward with my filmvixen.com domain. I'm making lists, I'm drawing plans, I'm redesigning every single website, and everything in me is just getting more and more excited and energized.

During the first two weeks, I redesigned all three of my websites, organized them by rearranging categories, got rid of posts that no longer resonated with who I was as a person, and wrote a handful of new posts for EVA. Since then I have made major decisions for what I am going to do with these three beautiful blogs I have loved for years. I deleted certain things, created new things, like it just never ended. It still hasn't stopped! I haven't wanted to really eat or sleep because all I want to do is focus on all of this right now. It's been enthralling and scary at the same time, at times I have felt I am a fire burning out of control. I have tried to structure it as of late, to exercise self-control and realize I need to plan it all out to manage it. But the point is I was in a polar opposite rut before this ritual. Rituals work, spells work, but one thing I've learned is it is all in your hands. How much do you believe? How much do you trust? If you don't believe it or trust it, it won't work for you, simply because the power literally is within you. None of the stuff I used for this ritual mattered, the magic does not exist outside of you. The power and intention came from within ME. It wasn't about making everything perfect, which is why I forgave myself- something I have learned to do when trying to manifest- when I couldn't. Always going to write at the end of these posts that if you're interested in learning more about anything I write about you can always find me on social media.

**First image credit

tarot interpretation of my life

This deck is the Moon Void Tarot, created by Stefanie Caponi <3.

on my first visit to salem

My first trip to Salem was so amazing that I wanted to share it and sort of create my own guide for anyone who practices witchcraft and will take the trip seriously - as in "I am going for the purpose of having a very goth, very spiritually-focused experience" not just for fun, although that's fine too but this post is not necessarily for those people. Note that I wasn’t sure if planning this for an October weekend was the best idea due to large crowds, but honestly and maybe because I was alone it was totally fine. Note also that this was booked last minute i.e. less than a month in advance at a hotel 20 mins outside of Salem and my stay was for 4 days.

Preparing
I did a lot of shopping for this trip, and a ton of pre-planning. Because I was going alone, I didn’t want to lose any time or sort of be lax about it, I wanted to make sure I saw as much as I could since it was my first time and I was really excited.

Clothing: If you’re like me you’re really into fashion and it’s wonderful and you love it lol if that’s the case you’ll most likely plan outfits. I surfed clearance @ Hot Topic, Dolls Kill, F21 and H&M. I stuck with basic looks. I added tattoos and scrunchies as accessories and rings too. Purses: I didn’t want my arm to kill me since I’d be out all day each day and I know from shopping for a long time sometimes that happens when I carry a shoulder bag. So I suggest opting for a mini backpack or fanny pack. I couldn’t find a fanny pack that I liked and that was the right size in time for the trip so I used a Friday the 13th cross body I got for cheap and my mini leather backpack from UO. Hair: I got my hair blown out the day before I left (and dyed black heheheh) so that I wouldn’t have to do it AT ALL while I was on the trip. Lounging at the hotel: Make it where even the clothes for there are gothic - I brought a triple goddess tee, some grunge bike shorts, a striped tank, and a skull sweatshirt. I also brought a clear stemless glass with a skeleton hand holding it from the dollar store to use for wine or regular drinks. I believe in immersing yourself completely or not at all!

Google maps: Was my friend. I used it so hard to scour the area of Salem ahead of time to see where things were in terms of distance and grouped sections by what I wanted to see and do so I had a good sense beforehand. This helped a lot, I wasn’t totally lost when I got there and used my phone minimally to conserve battery (more on this below). I Google-mapped so many times that I was able to write out my itinerary for both days from morning to late afternoon and then leave time later to shop, have an idea where to park (more on this below), etc. I included what time things closed in parentheses so I could prioritize how and in what order I would do things. Prob did too much but that's me lol.

Weather forecast: I saw it would rain ahead of time but didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. It poured on my drive in first day and the second day I was to walk around and officially begin the trip. Because I was not prepared in terms of attire, the first walking tour was not as comfortable under these conditions lol. My suggestion if you find yourself in this situation based on what I saw around me while I was there: bring a scarf or baseball hat or both, or still go for looking damn good and damn goth in the rain by adding patent rain boots to an outfit, a bright color like a red coat, or an alternative hat that stands out like a wide-brimmed one. These will still make you feel like you can shine as a goth in the weather and not be stifled. Unforch it was too late for me lol I hadn’t packed or planned on how cold it would be either. But thankfully when the sun was out on my third day it was so beautiful and much warmer (about 64-65, 67 in sun). And I had an entirely different experience and felt fashion forward that day! Moon forecast: Wouldn’t it be grand to do a spell right in Salem!? Well depending on which town your hotel is in, but coincidentally a full moon fell on my birthday as well as when I would be there, so I brought everything I needed for it. Since I’ve gone into practice I’ve done so many spells at home on my altar but it was so cool to be near a different area and different energy to do one. Pictured below is everything I used being charged by the sun.

Account for one day of travel: What was supposed to take me 5 hours took me 7-7 1/2 because of traffic and I left on a Friday late morning. I heard from others in Salem though that some left on Saturday early morning and still hit tons of traffic wondering if they’d ever get there. When I got here I didn’t want to do anything but relax at the hotel, I was tired, so do yourself a favor and leave that first day open for travel alone if you plan on driving!

Sigil for protection: My book Inner Witch provides a sigil spell for protection (Fire Walk With Me) for a new environment or travel. I never thought I would need to use it until now - I realized wow what a great idea. The entire concept is to write an intention, eliminate the repeating letters and create a symbol from the letters that remain. Then write it under all the shoes you plan to wear there and you will not only feel but be protected. It helped me feel a lot safer seeing as it was my first trip entirely by myself.

Road trip music: I made a playlist that consisted of mostly 60s and 70s classic rock (think Supernatural lol) only because for me, that’s what put me in the mood for this trip. I wanted from start to finish to experience and feel all that Salem energy and to also really feel myself, feel my power the power in me that is my own individuality so that listening to that music would put me deep into the experience.

Salem Actually
Getting ready for your day: If you’re like me, you’re not a morning person and you’re late half the time and you take 2-2 1/2 hours to get ready due to showering, eating, makeup, and hair lol. Because of this I told myself I'd wake at 8am, but ended up waking at 715am on both days because I was not sleeping in my own bed. Waking at this time was better because it allowed me time to go to IHOP for a big breakfast so that I would be full until at least 1-2pm and eliminate the risk that parking garages would be full. Another few tips before leaving hotel: bring a portable backup charger for your phone OR the actual outlet charger. No matter what you will end up somewhere that has a wall outlet trust me and you can charge your phone in between sightseeing. Bring a lighter or heavier jacket or sweater with you to leave in the car just in case you get hotter or colder through the day.

Parking: Know that no matter where you park in terms of lots (there's like 5) you close to everything in Salem. And from my experience seems that no matter what you paying $30 to park for the entire day. First day: I parked at Church Street Lot - got there 1030am and there was still a lot of parking. Second day: Tried to park at MBTA Commuter Lot because allegedly was only $5 for 14 hours (as per website) but lot was full by 930am, so went to Museum Place Garage and paid another $30 which was dreadful. Hoping that next time I figure out a way around this because parking alone costed me $60 - think about if I had more days to kill, this would have added up badly lol.

Tours: Try to do a historical tour so you’re clear on Salem’s narrative AND a tour that informs you on what being a witch is really all about - which works to eliminate stereotyping and fear of the unknown. I suggest doing them first thing (most begin no earlier than 11am) to get them out of the way because they are an hour or longer. Here are the ones I did which I recommend! Note: Have cash on you if you want to tip the guides because they do accept tips!

>Myths and Misconceptions Walking Tour- This tour was only $9 and it was wonderful. The woman was very knowledgeable and had a smile on her face from the time we started to the time we ended - you could tell she loved what she did. She answered questions and gave a solid walk through places such as the Witch Trials Memorial, where the town hall used to be, and also where the jail used to be. Less confusion about the history results on your end, and also just little facts that you would have never known if she hadn’t told you. Tour meets at the Salem Visitor’s Center and I do suggest watching the 35 minute film to get a little background of the history (a discount is available if you went on the walking tour) OR at the very least watch the slideshow in the lobby, if you don’t know much about Salem's history.

>Salem Witch Walk Tour- This tour was more costly ($20) but if I knew what it’d be like ahead of time I would have gladly paid more money to go. You'll meet at Crow Haven Corner which is the oldest and first shop in Salem. The tour guide uses the history to explain things but it is in no way a historical tour. It’s more like an informative walk about everything that has to do with being a witch - colors, style, how to live a magical life, misconceptions about what a witch “should be” or is seen as in society, even the law of attraction was thrown in there. From the show Bewitched to mojo babies, the information given tied into Salem’s history confirmed not only what I believe in since I myself began practicing but obviously would clear up any misgivings about what a witch is in general by other people. The guide made me feel empowered and I agreed with everything she said. There was so much about this tour that was educational for me and synchronistic, I can’t even describe it. I felt like I was in class. It was awesome. We also recited a blessing for the trial victims which moved me to real tears. The guide pointed out that some testimony from the victims was written on the ground and faded out to show that no one listened to them and that they were executed despite their innocence. At the end or the very beginning depending on the guide, you get to perform a group spell and they even give you a free candle infused with your intention. This was my favorite part of the whole trip because emotionally I was really touched. Mostly because I felt like I was home - I have done spells before and learned so much in the last year, but to ACTUALLY SEE it all be mirrored back to me by other people instead of just hearing about it felt so good.

Miscellaneous:
>Witch Trials Memorial- As no one knows where the victims are buried, each stone (bench) here is dedicated to each of the 20 people executed. You can place flowers on top of the benches and the railing that separates the benches represents their prison cells while a stone wall a ways away represents the people who just stood by while everyone was being accused without stepping in to defend them. This was a very powerful area filled with a lot of residual energy and a very strong presence of 1692.
>Count Orlok’s Nightmare Gallery- A super cool super real wax museum if you’re a horror film nerd like myself.
>The Satanic Temple- This was a 2 floor very brief history of satanic panic slash art gallery with a Baphomet sculpture. The walls are made of velvet, and upstairs you can sit in a throne of hell.

Food/Coffee:
>Life Alive- Stopped in here for something healthy but note that the entire menu consists of Ginger this or sesame that. I had already eaten that the day before so I wasn’t interested and moved on to The Fountain.
>Fountain Restaurant- The staff is very nice, prices reasonable and food typical of a traditional diner. Get a corner seat and there is an outlet there to charge your phone while you eat!
>Frontstreet Coffeehouse- This was my go to as I mostly drink iced black coffee - theirs was delicious! In addition their chocolate covered pretzels - $2.25 for a bag (same as almost every snack at SBUX) - were very good! Food is not bad either, I had a grilled cheese at one point. Also, check out the art for sale on the walls. When I went in they had photos of humans as interpretations of tarot cards (major arcana).
>Brew Box- Inside the first thing I noticed is that the cooking overshadowed how beautifully it is decorated (all black and white), because it smelled like a kitchen and was very smoky. I didn’t enjoy waiting in line because of this, and when I got up there and asked for a medium coffee it looked like a small which was weird. But! This iced black coffee was even a little better than Frontstreet’s.

Shopping: Know that because Salem is such a touristy town, each shop will have almost IDENTICAL items AND they will have things you can get MUCH CHEAPER at home! So as a rule, stick to buying only things that you truly wouldn’t find at ye olde generic spiritual shop near your house know what I mean? I was so tempted at times to buy all these different things but kept reminding myself hey you can get that back home so why waste money on it here especially since it’s overpriced due to Salem being a popular tourist destination. In addition even if you are a baby witch like me meaning you have a year or less of practice you will know you don’t need certain things, e.g. you  don't need to buy all these crystals or all this incense or all these tarot cards etc. I told myself each day I wouldn't buy unless it was unique or special i.e. I can’t find it anywhere else or at the very least have never seen it anywhere else in my witch travels. I do believe that is the best advice I can give for smart Salem shopping. Below are my FAVORITE shops which I recommend visiting! Note: HEX, OMEN, and Crow Haven’s Corner are all sister shops -- at times there are lines to get into ALL the shops in Salem which you must wait in as they can only fit so many people at once.

>Hex Old World Witchery- Two things I found in here which I hadn’t seen where I live were coffin nails for protection, hardened eggshell powder to draw symbols with during rituals, and certain objects they had hanging on the wall. I would also say some of the jewelry was unique. One woman behind the counter was off the cuff in open public telling a customer that the man (could have been her son) was afraid and he wasn’t doing something because of that fear. Woman behind counter was also saying that another woman in his life is very jealous and would stop at nothing to... I didn’t hear the rest. But that to me, was unique on its own as the customer was merely standing at the counter conversing and not getting a reading.
>Omen- The best thing worth noting about this place was the blown up Rider-Waite major arcana tarot cards along the walls. Super cool to see them enlarged like that.
>Hauswitch- Of course this is like visiting your favorite furniture store except it is entirely designed with a witch in mind! So unique and very feminist forward in here which was so empowering - from cards to crystals to purses to half moon mirrors to pillows. Also Bill Crisafi’s art was on the walls when I went which was cool.
>Witch City Wicks- Omg I was obsessed with this shop. There was SO MUCH unique stuff in here! I wanted to buy everything because it was so unique! Krampus playing cards! Resin incense (very thick) from white sage to palo santo. Tons of books, one of note: The Practical Witch’s Almanac 2020. Artwork you could flip through in the corner and all of it was really to die for, also the stuff on the walls to buy. They also had very unique pins for your leather jacket. This might have been my fave shop in Salem!
>The Cauldron Black- Another store which was extremely unique especially in its book collection which was rather large and consisted of folklore and witchcraft from all cultures - Brazil, Greece, Italy - you name it. They had Rider-Waite major and minor arcana tarot cards in sticker form, both black and white or in color. Cross coffin nail sterling silver pendants. So many herbs you’d lose count. Where they did readings in the back, which was blocked off by a rope but which you could see, looked very sacred and very beautifully decorated. You can tell this place was legit - they do hold classes and group moon rituals there too, I saw on the wall and they’re very pricey so again, legit! Lastly they had pins for your leather jacket in stock as well which were overpriced IMO ($18) but were so cool so probably worth it lol they were the Rider-Waite major and minor arcana tarot cards in color, and one in particular that blew me away was The Witch House (very important landmark in Salem) on fire.
>Freaks, Antiques & Uniques Convention- Every weekend in October you’ll find there are a few markets going on: the Creative Common Marketplace which is outside along a very long road, the Psychic Fair & Witches’ Market in Witch City Mall and the Freaks, Antiques & Uniques Convention, which IMO was the most impressive bc everything, like it tells you in the name, was SO unique. I can give you two examples - and I regret not purchasing from the one but I was sort of on a budget that day: Morally Ambivalent was selling vintage stuff that she’s collected in her travels and also her own drawings. She had coffin rings, old perfume bottles and wonderful art that really spoke to me. Old Growth Alchemy was selling such special concoctions in different forms: glass bottle herbs to do spellwork and pendants to wear. One was called "Boundaries" which included rose thorns and yarrow and I was really blown away by how unique that was! Note: Be prepared to take pics of all types of characters if you go in October because they are floating around these markets! From Jason to Michael to Freddy to Frankenstein to the Grim Reaper to Jack Skellington, be prepared because I wasn’t lol! After the fact, I had visions of how and exactly for what I would use the pics for, made me sad but I will go back lol.
>Psychic Readings- If you have personal readers at home like me, you wouldn't blindly again spend money on readers in Salem. However, I will say there are of course more expensive ones that are world-known there so maybe if you have extra money sure.

>Tattoos: If you love tattoos, you’d probably love the idea of not leaving Salem without getting one! Being October, it still was surprisingly not that hard. I ran into Helheim tattoo first and they were booked that day, and told me to come back the next which I intended if I didn’t find an available shop. Saw Studio 13 was right down the street, walked in and artist named Patrick said he was free and without seeing his work or looking into reviews of the shop I took out my paper with the image and told him I wanted him to do it. As he prepped I waited and checked out his book, which was solid. Then did a quick Google review and people named him specifically, bc the shop only has I think three artists generally, and I was so pleased with what I was reading. I guess initially I was feeling super “free - go with the flow - universe, create with me!” type of vibe and so I didn’t even care that I didn’t know his work or if the shop in general had a good reputation, I honestly trusted the universe on this one bc I felt so good being around that Salem energy and it worked out! I would 110% go back to him if I were in Salem again. I can honestly say out of all the tattoos I have gotten his work is the most flawless. If you go, know that he takes his time, he’s a perfectionist you will be there for a while even if you want something small, bc he’s wildly talented. Everyone keeps asking if my tattoo is a sticker because it looks so real. I’ve gotten compliments left and right. Also know that he may put something called second skin over your tattoo which is sort of like a permanent Saran Wrap and can be left on for four days! It allows your tattoo to heal and for you to grow skin faster. I was very impressed by this technique, NO other shop I had ever been to where I lived employed this method of healing. By the time I took the wrap off on the fourth day, it had healed so beautifully! It shed slightly but it’s almost like within the four days I grew some skin over the tat and so that was peeling off real smooth like a sunburn. Once that came off, the design underneath was perfect! I mean all I had to do after is keep applying lotion. Would highly recommend Studio 13 and Patrick!

Das a Wrap
So I would say overall I had the most excellent time. I now want to make it a point to get there once a year because of the energy and how so in line with who I am that experience was. I also missed a lot- didn't get to go to Judge Corwin's House (Witch House), didn't get to visit House of Seven Gables which I heard there is a wonderful garden there, didn't get to eat at every single place, and generally did not see the dramatizations they do in Salem in reenacting the trials. So much to do when I go back, but for the first time it was too good!

shadow work

A Tarot a Day Keeps the Doctor Away